Jane Eyre and me

So, I've been reading a modern retelling of my favorite book, Jane Eyre. The book I'm currently working on is called The Flight of Gemma Hardy, and it's very nearly a mirror of the Jane Eyre story, but set in 1950s England and 1960s Scotland. I've really loved living through Jane Eyre again, but in a new, and sometimes surprising, way.
Tonight at work, I was feeling incredibly down. It was 8:00, and I felt like I was no where near being ready to head home. My desk was piled with things that my boss had left for me to finish, and I just felt overwhelmed. When I'm overwhelmed, I think about all the millions of things in my life I'd like to change, and then, insult adds to injury, and I find that I can completely depress myself in a matter of seconds.
Well, as I was bemoaning my current state, the story of Jane/Gemma came to mind, and I felt something that seemed a little bit like hope.
In most every other book I read, I find that people get what they want. It may take a while, but generally, they are given those happy endings that the rest of us long for.
Jane Eyre gives us a different perspective on this. Yes, at the end, she does get her Mr. Rochester, but the ending is bittersweet. Neither character is untouched by the passage of time. Really horrible things have happened to both of them. Answers don't come easily.
So, that is where I found hope tonight.
I think that, if I were Jane Eyre, I would have just woken up from my sickness in the home of the clergyman and his sisters (or in Gemma's case, the postman and his sister). I would be muddling through life without the person I once loved, trying to find beauty and meaning on my own.
I don't believe that I'll ever have S back, and truthfully, after a few epiphanies recently, I don't want S back (which is a huge thing for me to say), but I do think that I'm living in a valuable moment right now.
Life is rough. I'm scraping by on a tiny salary, working countless hours every day, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, but Jane Eyre caused me to remember, "This is not what the rest of my life will look like."
Things can be better. Things will get better.
Right now, I'm just learning and healing and growing. And growth seems to always be accompanied by pain. But pain seems often to lead to something greater.
Here's hoping for greater things!

A Tale of Kindergarten

So, I currently am working in a Kindergarten, and the kids' fascination and overall exuberance for life just has me laughing and shaking my head everyday.
This past week in class, I was talking to another teacher, and one of the girls in the room where I was working approached me, tugged on my skirts and said, "Miss, did you know that when I came out of my Mama's tummy, I didn't got no hair?"
I ignored her, because I was in the middle of a conversation with an adult, and I felt that she needed to see that she couldn't interrupt an ongoing conversation.
Maybe an hour later, I was working with her on a project, and she said again, "Miss, did you know that when I came out of my Mama's tummy, I didn't got--"
"You didn't have any hair?" I asked.
She looked up at her, shock written on her face. And she said, "Was you at the hospital?"
"No," I said, grinning.
"Then how you know?"
"You just told me," I replied, bemused.
"I did?" she asked, looking shocked.
Oh my. How I love Kindergarteners. They keep life interesting.

Valentine's Day...that wretched time of the year...

I like to tell myself that I'm a capable, educated woman. I don't shatter into tears when faced with opposition. I don't crumble to the ground. I will, as Gloria Gaynor sang, survive.
But then, Valentine's Day comes creeping along, and I find that my resolve shatters.
I had kept my mind off of S and our failed future very well. I had moved on. I filled my life with work and education classes and friends and Friday art nights and French assigments and conversation groups. I had felt very, very good about my moving forward.
And then, like I said, Valentine's Day.
I find that now, with that pernicious holiday only hours away, all I can think about is him. And if he's spending the holiday with someone. And if I'm completely behind schedule not having gone of my one meaningless date for the year....
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Bleh. I've termed the day Gal-entine's Day, and I'm headed out to dinner and a movie with my girl friends.
Still, the thoughts persist, and I pray with everything inside me that I won't resort to cyber stalking. Sadly, the night is still young.

Indianapolis

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I live in an apartment in downtown Indianapolis, which, in light of current events, is a pretty fantastic thing.
Yesterday's Super Bowl brought the city together in a way I haven't seen since the Colts themselves won the Super Bowl a few years back (look at me talking about sports! Better stop here; I don't know much beyond what I've already written.)
In any case, yesterday, I was out running just before the big game began. I ran to Monument Circle, although I didn't run around the Circle as I usually do--the crowd was far too thick, and on my jog back, I found $20 on the ground. There was literally no one around. I pocketed the money, continued my jog back to my apartment, and found myself grinning larger than I have in a very long time.
The money had something to do with the overall feeling of well being, but truthfully, for all of my comments about loving Europe and wishing I were back there, I have to say that I adore this city. I'd taken Indianapolis for granted, but February 2012 in this city reminded me of why I'm so proud to be a Hoosier.